ABOUT ABUSE

ABUSE. What is your response to this word? Is it over-used? Is it over-familiar, making it easy to ignore those who struggle with the past and present effects? Abuse is violation and intentional harm, and/or injury (physically, emotionally, sexually or spiritual) of one by another. 

Many people have experienced violation or harm in their early years. It causes disruption to their much-needed nurture within familial connections, loosing a healthy sense of self. Abuse can continue into adult years through patterns of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a person. Abusive violation always damages the soul, irrespective of the severity, nature of the relationship with the abuser, the use of violence, and the duration. The experience of being profoundly used and let down by someone we trust and relied on sears the hope that relationship can simply be enjoyed! 

Child abuse can create a range of emotional effects. Some move on with their lives after a healthy time of grieving. However, it is also common for victims to suffer throughout their adult lives. This issue is wide spread. National research has found that 1 in 3 females and 1 in 6 males in Canada experience some form of sexual abuse before age 18; half of all women in Canada have experienced at least one incident of physical or sexual violence since the age of 16. More significantly, 83% of disabled women will be sexual assaulted during their lifetime and 57% of Aboriginal women have been sexually abused!

Abuse, in all forms, is the most under reported of crimes. One reason is abusers are usually in a position of trust. With both the opportunity to abuse and the ability to lure the abused leads to powerlessness, betrayal and ambivalence. The sense of powerlessness strips the person of dignity to choose freely – the ability to say NO. The betrayal is in the abusing or misusing of trust to meet another’s need, damaging the image of self and others individually and in relationship. The abuse also causes a strong feeling of conflicting emotions. For example, desire and love of connection with the other (who sadly may be abusive) and hatred of who they are. This conflict, experienced concurrently, is called ambivalence. This will make anyone feel ‘crazy’. 

The emotional result, in the presence of powerlessness, betrayal and ambivalence, is SHAME and CONTEMPT. Shame is the experience of being flawed and unworthy of love or belonging. The individual IS wrong and their identity is centered in shame. Guilt in contrast would lead a person to say sorry for wrong committed. The role of CONTEMPT is to hide the deep pain of the ‘Shame Identity’ and that shame being seen by others. The emotional effects of abuse and the resulting identity in Shame is the dreadful legacy of all forms of abuse!

The way forward starts with understanding this hurt, violation and then grieve. Breaking down the wall of silence and the contempt used to muzzle our hearts is ESSENTIAL. To risk telling our stories is the starting point. Listening to one another with love and acceptance is the VITAL CALL for life and change!! 

 SUICIDE & SELF-HARM 

Suicide and self-harming behavior affect all our communities across Canada, as highlighted in recent media articles and reports. The Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention (CASP) explains that, in Canada, 11 people die from suicide every day, 210 attempt to end their lives, while up to 110 people will be newly bereaved because of suicide. Suicide and self-harm are central issues in all racial, cultural, social groups, and ages. It is easy to assume that self-harm is a failed suicide attempt however, suicide and self-harm have different focuses and intended outcomes. It is vital for us to understand the difference, to enable the church and community to offer care and support.

The essence of suicide and self-harm is to stop or divert pain. This pain is emotional and psychological, expressed in depression, hopelessness, shame and a feeling of powerlessness. The individual seeks a solution to the mental torment, either as a final release from the burden on others or a daily managing of life through self-harm.

Self-harm is the intentional and deliberate hurting of oneself. It may help the sufferer express or escape feelings of emptiness and depression, relief from rage and fear, or release of emotional pain. This is a short-lived reprieve. Each year 1 in 5 females and 1 in 7 males self-harm, with 90% being between the ages of 14-24, and 50% have survived sexual abuse. Though the act of self-harm is not a precursor to suicide, the pain that causes people to self-harmmay also drive them to suicide. Suicidal attempts, gestures and plans, are more likely to be spoken about, therefore, any act of self-harm should alert others to significant emotional distress. 

Suicide is defined as an “act deliberately initiated and performed by a person in the full knowledge or expectation of its fatal outcome” (The World Health Organization (WHO). Mental illness is involved in most suicide cases, especially as a consequence of depression, post-traumatic stress, or substance abuse. However, no single determinant is enough on its own to cause a suicide. Someone commits suicide every 40 seconds globally. Of the 3,890 suicides (2009) in Canada, men are three times more likely to be the fatalities and those between 40-59 are shockingly the highest level of all suicides. Sadly, suicide is also the second leading cause of death for people aged 15 to 34.  For most First Nations, Inuit and Metis communities the youth suicides are 5 to 6 times higher than non-Native youth. 

Both suicide and self-harm have one common objective – emotional pain management. However, suicide is directed at stopping the misery that those impacted by the emotional pain experience, while self harm seeks to personally manage the pain in their lives. The shame and contempt within each struggling individual seeks a solution to their personal battle. Each person has either resorted to a deliberate act of distraction or an absolute end to the torment. Both focus on a remedy to the emotional quagmire!

What resolution is there for hopelessness, despair, and abuse? For shame that is insurmountable? The answer is in the struggle that we all face – acceptance through honesty, openness and time to be with the pain. Grieving the loss of different parts of our lives, and the willingness to remain present, is the hardest yet simplest gift that each of us can offer one another.